Cabin Fever

What a week.

We are now in our 4th week of lockdown. We haven't left the house for anything but essentials for 24 days. The past few days have been tough. It's the first time I've felt like I am actually not coping.

The week didn't actually start too badly, however looking back on it I can definitely see how I ended up falling into the black hole.

I decided it was a good idea to cut my hair- those who know me will know that doing experimental things to my hair is usually the first sign that I am feeling a little out of control. (My poor hair has suffered an awful lot over the years thanks to that particular coping mechanism...). I gave myself this cute fringe which I am now not so sure I like but hey it will grow back before we are actually allowed to leave our houses again right?

Then I decided that I would do some retail therapy- I have an aversion to online shopping, I much prefer going out and buying local but of course that is no longer an option. I also shop a lot when I am stressed- but of course I just figured it was boredom and so definitely nothing to worry about. I ordered some gifts for some of my close friends to cheer them up- probably totally unwanted junk but again- this was impulse buying at its best. I also ordered the kids a new paddling pool (probably 1 of my better purchases). I finally stopped when my bank balance started to look a little less healthy and I actually debated transferring all my money to a friend to look after before we got to a point of not being able to eat.

Loki's birthday was also this week. I was very anxious about it. I wanted him to have as 'normal' a birthday as possible. A friend bought him a cake and dropped it round, and I had a few presents I had managed to get on my Amazon binge although most of what he had wanted was out of stock or wouldn't arrive in time. Despite that he still had a reasonable pile of presents by the eve of his birthday. I wrapped everything, including all the presents relatives had sent. Writing their names on the labels made me a little emotional that we wouldn't be seeing any family and that it was on me to make his birthday special. Despite my worries he had a good day. Even announcing that it was 'The best birthday ever' but I still had all the Mum guilt that I could have done better. Even though I had been up since 6am- it took a bottle of wine to get me to sleep.

I haven't really eaten much at all this week- the kids have been eating me out of house and home but my appetite has just disappeared. Probably not a total bad thing given that I'm not doing a great deal and do not want to emerge from this 3 dress sizes heavier. However when I ended up more than a little tipsy on half a glass of wine I realised maybe I should try and eat a little more, if for no better reason than being able to finish a couple glasses of wine in an evening without getting wasted.

Then came the anxiety. Now I have been down this road so many times- you would think I would be better at recognising the signs right?

WRONG.

I found myself questioning everything. Friends didn't reply to a message within 10 minutes of reading it and obviously they've decided they don't want to talk to me anymore. I have probably annoyed several people this week with my outbursts of 'Don't talk to me then'. (Sorry guys). By some miracle most of my friends have understood- some more than others, but that doesn't stop me feeling incredibly disappointed in myself for not just keeping my shit together.

Towards the end of the week I had the worst night I have had in a very long time. I went to bed early, I couldn't explain it but I just didn't feel 'right'. I woke in the early hours having a full blown panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack in years. I was a crying, hyperventilating mess. I couldn't pull my thoughts together into anything remotely coherent but lucky for me I had a friend on the other end of the phone to talk me down. I really hope he knows just how much it meant to have someone not judging just being there- although I do feel like I need to even the scales a little- this person has saved my life more times than I care to count!

After that I realised I needed to do something to pull myself back out. Usually that would be going out, seeing friends/ family. Of course that isn't happening any time soon. However the next day the kids paddling pool arrived. Turned out I hadn't quite thought it through as the damn thing holds 1400 litres and the hose connector is dead- so a 12 litre bucket and all the trips back and forth to the tap it was! The kids enjoyed themselves for all of 20 minutes before Loki decided to pee in said pool and they all bailed out. Kids.

The sun was shining though, so that made me feel a little better, if not a little sun burnt (really must invest in suncream).


We decided to go for a walk over the weekend. I needed to drop my Mum some milk, and since she is only 5 minutes round the corner I thought we would take the dog for a short walk. It was harder than I thought it would be having to drop her things outside the door and only wave from the window. My parents live in a first floor flat, and like us have been isolating for a while now. I miss being able to drop in, and the kids miss going round and being allowed to eat all the sweets and chocolate their tummies can handle. Especially given that it was Easter weekend, something I couldn't even bring myself to celebrate. The kids luckily had a few Easter Eggs delivered by their Dad- from a safe 2 metre distance of course.

Just as I thought I was sorting my head a little- I was hit by a migraine. I get them a lot even when not dealing with this much stress, but usually the kids will be at school or their Dads, and I can lock myself in a dark room to recover. No such luck when you are quarantined. I was taking paracetamol like they were sweets, trying to sleep where I could but with very little luck. Even at night when the kids were in bed I couldn't shift the pain behind my eyes. I would lie in bed for hours just wanting to scream into my pillow. I also couldn't stop thinking about the way I had treated my friends all week because of my own mental state. I sent more messages I would go on to regret.

After more than 30 hours of barely being able to see let alone function the fog finally shifted and I started feeling more 'normal' again. I scrolled my phone to assess the damage- I feel damage limitation is officially out of the window. (Again, sorry guys!)

So now I am picking up the pieces of what has been 1 horrendous week. I am comforting myself with the thought that I cannot be the only person struggling right now. That these uncertain and difficult times are challenging for all of us, and reminding myself that those who can't handle me at my worst, sure as hell do not deserve me at my best.