Well, where to start. This is probably going to be pretty long winded and so I will apologise in advance. Joe and I have separated, and the kids and I have moved out to a new home. Things had been wrong for a while, and everything peaked a few weeks ago and we decided to go our separate ways.
Things have been really hard, emotions pretty much running wild, and obviously we've been trying to keep things amicable for the kids. I never thought that this is where we would end up. We've had our fair share of up's and down's over the years, but somehow we always got through them, but this time there is no going back.
It's strange because while obviously I've been upset, a part of me has mainly been relieved. Relieved that it's over, that I don't have to paint on a smile day after day, and pretend that everything is OK. I miss family life, more than anything I miss being a family, the kids having their Mummy and Daddy together. It's hard hearing the kids cry, it's hard when they ask when Daddy is coming home, or now we've moved asking when we can all go home. It breaks my heart that they're hurting right now, and that it's our fault.
I've spent most of the past few weeks crying, it's easy to hold things together in front of the kids, but when they go to bed, I sit here alone and my brain works overtime. I've already succeeded in pushing away the people who matter most to me, the only people who have actually been here, I don't mean to. The kids being with Joe is hard. I've never been the sort of parent who has much time away from their kids. I love being with my kids, they may be the most annoying small people in the world at times, but I can't imagine life without them. Without them I just feel lost, it's like my heart is racing the whole time they're away and all I can do is try and distract myself.
Amongst all the stress, and tears, depression has also managed to rear its ugly head. Nights I spend alone are the lowest I think I've ever been. Anxiety has thankfully been relatively controllable, still has it's moments, but it's mainly the thoughts in my head that are dragging me down. But I've decided to try counselling.. Now anyone who knows me will know that talking about how I'm feeling is not my strong point, never has been. I tend to let things build up and build up and then everything will pour out at once. I don't want my kids to see that, and I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't talk to anyone about the stuff that's bothering them either.
My marriage ending has dragged up a lot of stuff from the past that I thought I'd dealt with, but apparently I've just been boxing it up in my head, storing it all away ready to hit me when I least expect it. I don't know if talking about it will help but one thing is for sure they sure as hell can't get any worse.
So I guess, to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a pretty crappy friend recently, I really don't mean to be. To Joe, I am sorry that we couldn't work things out, I'm sorry that it had to end like this. Most importantly to my babies, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger. I'm sorry you have had to be stuck in the middle of all this, I love you more than you could ever know. Right now I just need a little help to get myself back on track, and everything else is going to have to take a back seat.
I've beaten this once, I can do it again.
