Drowning..

So, after convincing myself I was finally coping, finally doing better, last week has left me feeling the complete opposite.

Picked the kids up as usual on Wednesday, and for some reason, I was so irritable, not even sure why. It was a relief to get them to bed, even though I hadn't seen them for two days.. Thursday I was hoping to feel better, but I found myself snapping at the smallest things, so in the end, I gave them all some snacks, put on a DVD and went to hide in the kitchen.. As it happens that turned out to be a disaster in itself, as no more than ten minutes later, I re-appear to find Sky and Loki had got hold of the Vaseline, and some colouring pencils from the drawer. You can imagine what comes next.. Faces covered, hair covered, and my coffee table completely coloured in.
All cleaned up, tea made, kids bathed, and into bed, and I hit the sofa for some chill out time and some TV, but even then I found myself just not feeling right. This leads me to bad decision number two of the week.. Wine. After a couple glasses, I took myself to bed, and actually slept really well. Why is that a problem? I hear you say.. Well next day still feeling awful, despite much sleep and rest, luckily with Sam at school, only Sky and Loki to contend with, but even so, by mid afternoon I'm feeling exhausted all over again. No idea why after my nights sleep. Drag myself through the rest of the day, surviving on caffeine and using the TV as a babysitter, and finally it's bedtime.
Well I thought, since wine seemed to work so well last night.. I poured myself another glass (see where this is going) except it didn't really have the same effect on a not so sleep deprived me, and so two glasses later, I find myself a crying heap on the kitchen floor. Not even the dogs wanted to console me. Apparently alcohol and depression.. not a good mix (OK so I knew that already but apparently I'm not a fast learner)

It used to be the loneliness that got me.. the being alone. It used to be worse when the kids weren't here, when nothing filled my time, but lately it's been the opposite. I find myself getting so stressed over silly things, getting completely snowed under by silly tasks like keeping up with the washing, or the dishes. When the kids aren't here, I am coping better at being on my own, I am finding little things to do like walking the dogs, swimming, going to the library, spending time with friends when I can, and generally I don't cope that badly. However, when I take a step back, I realised that actually, I spend my child free time dumping all responsibilities, dumping all the jobs I could be getting caught up with, that might help when the kids come home, and just leaving everything until I absolutely have to do it. I've gone from desperate for something to fill the time, to just wanting to sit down, and sleep.

I desperately need more motivation, my house is slowly being piled up with a mixture of clean clothes I haven't put away, and dirty clothes I've yet to wash. I want to do something fun with the kids, but have absolutely zero motivation to actually do any of it. I debate taking them out and going somewhere, but then the idea of three kids alone petrifies me and I once again resort to 'Let's watch movies' No wonder they don't want to sit through them anymore.

I have no idea why I have felt so low this past week. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it either, as I prefer people to think that I am doing better, and that they don't need to worry. I had a fairly good couple days when they went to their Dad's this week, kept myself busy doing stuff with friends, which was nice. Felt much better picking them up this week, but still there's a lingering irritation in my head somewhere I can't put my finger on. I've tried sitting down and thinking about what is bothering me so much, but I just don't know.

Evenings when the kids are here, I sort of feel trapped I guess, like I can't leave the house, but I don't feel I can ask friends round as then I'm stopping them going out and doing something more fun. There's only so much TV you can watch, and I'm feeling too mentally drained to do much else..

Anyway maybe I should stop wallowing in self pity and just force myself to do SOMETHING. Hopefully next weeks post will be more cheery...

Single Mum 101

So.. it's been a while. I really need to blog more often, then maybe I could come up with a more exciting intro to my posts than 'It's been a while'. So from today, I'm going to start working on a weekly post.. I know you can hardly contain your excitement, right?

I'd say a lot has happened since my last post, but then i'd be lying. Turns out life as a single Mum is actually pretty dull. Not the time with the kids of course, that's as exhilarating, joyful, painful, and exhausting as ever! Looking after three kids on your own five days a week is HARD! But then everyone tells you that bit. Its the time without them no one warns you about.

First few weeks I was too much of a hormonal, broken mess, and so spent most of my kid free days wallowing in self pity, or being dragged out by friends to try and cheer me up. However as time goes on, friends have to go back to their normal lives, coping got easier, and then I had to start finding stuff to do. Now as a parenting team, finding time alone without the kids is a rarity, you pretty much forget what doing nothing even feels like, the rare night off, despite all your best laid plans usually end with you collapsing in an exhausted heap and just catching up on some much needed sleep. Now I have two nights, two whole nights, every week, where I have no little darlings running around the house, two full days of nothing. 

First few evenings alone were spent Bridget Jones style, drinking wine, and singing at the tops of my lungs. (much to the despair of the dogs and probably my neighbours) Of course instead of belting out Celines 'All by myself', I, like any self respecting alternative female, went with some Evanescence, and My Chemical Romance. Oh, also, throw some Coldplay into the mix occasionally, just to give it that real 'kill me now' feel. 

Back in the child free years, I'd have just gone out, wandered into a bar, been bought a few drinks, had a bit of a laugh, stumbled home at 2am. Now though, apparently people don't really 'talk' to each other anymore, so unless you go out with friends in the first place, you're left with the bar staff, who mainly just feel sorry for you, or some guy who was already drunk by midday and is mainly just shouting obscenities for the entire pub to hear. Also, what is this new obsession with 'pre-drinking'? Instead of going to a pub, enjoying your night out, half of it is now spent at home getting drunk before you head out, meaning most pubs are now empty until at least 10pm, by which time, nearly 30 year old me is getting ready to go home, to roll into bed.

After speaking to a few friends, I thought I'd give this 'Online Dating' thing a go, see if I couldn't meet some new people. Turns out, that doesn't agree with me either. 

1, I refuse to pay to be introduced to men I probably won't like anyway.

2. I'm not very 'interesting' on paper (or screen) reading, writing, socialising doesn't exactly entice men in..

3. Even when you do get talking to someone, 90% of the time they're only looking for 'casual relations' 

So basically, I've decided to just concentrate on me for a bit. I've been reading more, started going swimming, even thinking of joining the gym, so if you fancy a laugh, you know where to find me...