Drowning..

So, after convincing myself I was finally coping, finally doing better, last week has left me feeling the complete opposite.

Picked the kids up as usual on Wednesday, and for some reason, I was so irritable, not even sure why. It was a relief to get them to bed, even though I hadn't seen them for two days.. Thursday I was hoping to feel better, but I found myself snapping at the smallest things, so in the end, I gave them all some snacks, put on a DVD and went to hide in the kitchen.. As it happens that turned out to be a disaster in itself, as no more than ten minutes later, I re-appear to find Sky and Loki had got hold of the Vaseline, and some colouring pencils from the drawer. You can imagine what comes next.. Faces covered, hair covered, and my coffee table completely coloured in.
All cleaned up, tea made, kids bathed, and into bed, and I hit the sofa for some chill out time and some TV, but even then I found myself just not feeling right. This leads me to bad decision number two of the week.. Wine. After a couple glasses, I took myself to bed, and actually slept really well. Why is that a problem? I hear you say.. Well next day still feeling awful, despite much sleep and rest, luckily with Sam at school, only Sky and Loki to contend with, but even so, by mid afternoon I'm feeling exhausted all over again. No idea why after my nights sleep. Drag myself through the rest of the day, surviving on caffeine and using the TV as a babysitter, and finally it's bedtime.
Well I thought, since wine seemed to work so well last night.. I poured myself another glass (see where this is going) except it didn't really have the same effect on a not so sleep deprived me, and so two glasses later, I find myself a crying heap on the kitchen floor. Not even the dogs wanted to console me. Apparently alcohol and depression.. not a good mix (OK so I knew that already but apparently I'm not a fast learner)

It used to be the loneliness that got me.. the being alone. It used to be worse when the kids weren't here, when nothing filled my time, but lately it's been the opposite. I find myself getting so stressed over silly things, getting completely snowed under by silly tasks like keeping up with the washing, or the dishes. When the kids aren't here, I am coping better at being on my own, I am finding little things to do like walking the dogs, swimming, going to the library, spending time with friends when I can, and generally I don't cope that badly. However, when I take a step back, I realised that actually, I spend my child free time dumping all responsibilities, dumping all the jobs I could be getting caught up with, that might help when the kids come home, and just leaving everything until I absolutely have to do it. I've gone from desperate for something to fill the time, to just wanting to sit down, and sleep.

I desperately need more motivation, my house is slowly being piled up with a mixture of clean clothes I haven't put away, and dirty clothes I've yet to wash. I want to do something fun with the kids, but have absolutely zero motivation to actually do any of it. I debate taking them out and going somewhere, but then the idea of three kids alone petrifies me and I once again resort to 'Let's watch movies' No wonder they don't want to sit through them anymore.

I have no idea why I have felt so low this past week. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it either, as I prefer people to think that I am doing better, and that they don't need to worry. I had a fairly good couple days when they went to their Dad's this week, kept myself busy doing stuff with friends, which was nice. Felt much better picking them up this week, but still there's a lingering irritation in my head somewhere I can't put my finger on. I've tried sitting down and thinking about what is bothering me so much, but I just don't know.

Evenings when the kids are here, I sort of feel trapped I guess, like I can't leave the house, but I don't feel I can ask friends round as then I'm stopping them going out and doing something more fun. There's only so much TV you can watch, and I'm feeling too mentally drained to do much else..

Anyway maybe I should stop wallowing in self pity and just force myself to do SOMETHING. Hopefully next weeks post will be more cheery...

Single Mum 101

So.. it's been a while. I really need to blog more often, then maybe I could come up with a more exciting intro to my posts than 'It's been a while'. So from today, I'm going to start working on a weekly post.. I know you can hardly contain your excitement, right?

I'd say a lot has happened since my last post, but then i'd be lying. Turns out life as a single Mum is actually pretty dull. Not the time with the kids of course, that's as exhilarating, joyful, painful, and exhausting as ever! Looking after three kids on your own five days a week is HARD! But then everyone tells you that bit. Its the time without them no one warns you about.

First few weeks I was too much of a hormonal, broken mess, and so spent most of my kid free days wallowing in self pity, or being dragged out by friends to try and cheer me up. However as time goes on, friends have to go back to their normal lives, coping got easier, and then I had to start finding stuff to do. Now as a parenting team, finding time alone without the kids is a rarity, you pretty much forget what doing nothing even feels like, the rare night off, despite all your best laid plans usually end with you collapsing in an exhausted heap and just catching up on some much needed sleep. Now I have two nights, two whole nights, every week, where I have no little darlings running around the house, two full days of nothing. 

First few evenings alone were spent Bridget Jones style, drinking wine, and singing at the tops of my lungs. (much to the despair of the dogs and probably my neighbours) Of course instead of belting out Celines 'All by myself', I, like any self respecting alternative female, went with some Evanescence, and My Chemical Romance. Oh, also, throw some Coldplay into the mix occasionally, just to give it that real 'kill me now' feel. 

Back in the child free years, I'd have just gone out, wandered into a bar, been bought a few drinks, had a bit of a laugh, stumbled home at 2am. Now though, apparently people don't really 'talk' to each other anymore, so unless you go out with friends in the first place, you're left with the bar staff, who mainly just feel sorry for you, or some guy who was already drunk by midday and is mainly just shouting obscenities for the entire pub to hear. Also, what is this new obsession with 'pre-drinking'? Instead of going to a pub, enjoying your night out, half of it is now spent at home getting drunk before you head out, meaning most pubs are now empty until at least 10pm, by which time, nearly 30 year old me is getting ready to go home, to roll into bed.

After speaking to a few friends, I thought I'd give this 'Online Dating' thing a go, see if I couldn't meet some new people. Turns out, that doesn't agree with me either. 

1, I refuse to pay to be introduced to men I probably won't like anyway.

2. I'm not very 'interesting' on paper (or screen) reading, writing, socialising doesn't exactly entice men in..

3. Even when you do get talking to someone, 90% of the time they're only looking for 'casual relations' 

So basically, I've decided to just concentrate on me for a bit. I've been reading more, started going swimming, even thinking of joining the gym, so if you fancy a laugh, you know where to find me...

 

 

Six feet from the edge..

Well, where to start. This is probably going to be pretty long winded and so I will apologise in advance. Joe and I have separated, and the kids and I have moved out to a new home. Things had been wrong for a while, and everything peaked a few weeks ago and we decided to go our separate ways.

Things have been really hard, emotions pretty much running wild, and obviously we've been trying to keep things amicable for the kids. I never thought that this is where we would end up. We've had our fair share of up's and down's over the years, but somehow we always got through them, but this time there is no going back. 

It's strange because while obviously I've been upset, a part of me has mainly been relieved. Relieved that it's over, that I don't have to paint on a smile day after day, and pretend that everything is OK. I miss family life, more than anything I miss being a family, the kids having their Mummy and Daddy together. It's hard hearing the kids cry, it's hard when they ask when Daddy is coming home, or now we've moved asking when we can all go home. It breaks my heart that they're hurting right now, and that it's our fault.

I've spent most of the past few weeks crying, it's easy to hold things together in front of the kids, but when they go to bed, I sit here alone and my brain works overtime. I've already succeeded in pushing away the people who matter most to me, the only people who have actually been here, I don't mean to. The kids being with Joe is hard. I've never been the sort of parent who has much time away from their kids. I love being with my kids, they may be the most annoying small people in the world at times, but I can't imagine life without them. Without them I just feel lost, it's like my heart is racing the whole time they're away and all I can do is try and distract myself.

Amongst all the stress, and tears, depression has also managed to rear its ugly head. Nights I spend alone are the lowest I think I've ever been. Anxiety has thankfully been relatively controllable, still has it's moments, but it's mainly the thoughts in my head that are dragging me down. But I've decided to try counselling.. Now anyone who knows me will know that talking about how I'm feeling is not my strong point, never has been. I tend to let things build up and build up and then everything will pour out at once. I don't want my kids to see that, and I don't want them to grow up thinking they can't talk to anyone about the stuff that's bothering them either.

My marriage ending has dragged up a lot of stuff from the past that I thought I'd dealt with, but apparently I've just been boxing it up in my head, storing it all away ready to hit me when I least expect it. I don't know if talking about it will help but one thing is for sure they sure as hell can't get any worse.

So I guess, to my friends, I'm sorry if I've been a pretty crappy friend recently, I really don't mean to be. To Joe, I am sorry that we couldn't work things out, I'm sorry that it had to end like this. Most importantly to my babies, I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger. I'm sorry you have had to be stuck in the middle of all this, I love you more than you could ever know. Right now I just need a little help to get myself back on track, and everything else is going to have to take a back seat. 

I've beaten this once, I can do it again.

A bit of a rant.. Sorry!

Ok, so I usually try to keep horsey talk to a minimum here, as I know that most of you who read my blog posts tend to be non-horsey folk and I don't want to bore you, however something has been bugging me for a while, and where better to vent about it than to all of you, right?

So, after a few years break from riding while spending my time having babies and getting married, I decided to get back in the saddle. Horses have been my passion for as long as I can remember. However I found getting back into it much more expensive than I remembered..

I rang round a few local riding schools to get some prices, the first gave me a price of £35 for a half an hour private lesson, or £30 for a half an hour 'semi-private' (with 2 others) lesson. I thanked them and promptly hung up. £30 for half an hour? I used to pay £9 for an hours group lesson! There must be cheaper out there. But after ringing round several other places I found that this was actually the going rate for lessons! So I booked a lesson for the following week, and told the hubby that it was actually £20 so he didn't get too mad...

After a couple weeks of lessons, Sam, my eldest asked if he could also start lessons. I was delighted! I've always wanted the kids to experience the fun of riding! So I rang the riding school and enquired about a lead rein beginners group lesson to get him started. Again came the familiar price tags. £27 for a half hour lesson! So in total I would be paying £57 for an hour of riding! 

Being a horsey Mum, I decided I couldn't go on paying out that amount of money, and so we bought Zoom. Before bringing him home, I obviously had to find a place to keep him, and so called up the stables where I had kept previous horses, but was amazed to find that the price for a DIY stable, had risen from £30 a week to £45! I decided I would ring round, but we found many yards no longer even offer DIY as an option. 1 Yard owner telling me she didn't want DIY as DIY people are 'messy' another saying people on DIY 'don't take care of their horses'. I think the main reason they don't want DIY owners, is that they don't make them as much money!

Eventually we found a yard for £25 a week DIY. For non-horsey people, DIY means you get use of a stable and a paddock, but you do everything yourself, and you need to pay for bedding, hay and feed separately. Zoom being a cob, and a relatively good doer means he doesn't cost me anywhere close to the £57 I was paying for lessons, and hurrah! All three children could have as many rides as they liked, with free tuition from yours truly. Perfect.

However, since then a few of the kids friends have been to ride Zoom and spend time at the yard, and what really gets me is that while all of them loved being around the horses, and absolutely love riding is that had they not been friends of ours, non of them would be able to afford riding lessons. This is something that really grates on me. 

For those who don't know, the UK is in the middle of a horse crisis. Horses are being dumped left, right and centre, and a horse or pony can be purchased for next to nothing, because people purely can't afford to keep them anymore. The market is flooded with youngsters, that have been bred with no thought as to where these horses and ponies will end up. I read an article saying the way forward is to get more people interested in horses, that the more people wanting to own a horse will help find homes for so many unwanted abandoned ponies.

There is only 1 problem. Only people with money can afford riding lessons for their kids these days. Maybe if you have a good job, and an only child, £30 for half an hour doesn't seem that steep. Well I'm telling you, the price of keeping a horse hasn't increased that much since I was a kid paying £9 an hour, the only thing that has changed is the attitude of yard owners and riding schools!!

Take the price of hay and bedding, which is a massive drain on a stables finances. I used to pay £2.50 a bale for straw and £3 for hay, and we're talking 10years ago. You can still pick up hay and straw at this price, shavings used to be around £6 a bale, and are now around £7.50 so minimal increase for 10 years right? Feed is still available relatively cheaply, for only a few pence more than it was back then too although the big brands with their 'new improved' (actually exactly the same) feed and supplements would like you to believe otherwise. (Top tip read your labels, often you pay double for the same stuff with a prettier label) I also suspect that big yards will be getting discounts on those prices as they are able to buy in bulk. So whats driving these massive price increases?
When did we start pricing out normal people from being able to enjoy these amazing animals!

The other thing that strikes me is everyone seems to have gone a bit snobbish where ponies are concerned. Where riding schools used to be filled with shetland ponies, little welsh cobs, they now seem to be opting for bigger, flashier horses. I was shocked to see a very petite little girl of 6, being taught to canter for the first time on a 15hh horse, her legs barely passed the saddle flaps!

When did we fall out of love with ponies? Most of the yards I visit as part of my job now seem to favour 14hh+ no matter how small the rider. In fact when I was looking for a pony, I asked the advice of a few local instructors to see if they knew of anything suitable. When I said Mother/Child share, they instantly started telling me of 14.2 and 15hh horses they knew would do just the job..Hang on a minute, how do you teach a 6,3, and 2 year old on a 15hh horse? I wanted a fun little pony, and so we went out on our own to look and that's just what we bought. However the same yards completely lost interest in wanting us as liveries, they only wanted big competition horses to make the yard look good, not a 13.2 scruff bag gypsy cob. (He is a scruff bag but he's our scruff bag ;) ) I've found many horsey people look down on you for riding a pony rather than buying yourself a big competition horse (which FYI most of these sorts can't even ride the horse in question and in fact make bigger fools of themselves by being so over horsed)

I also question the price of 'Working livery' again for non horsey folk, working livery gives you all the perks of full livery, you only have to come visit your horse when you want to ride, with 1 catch, your horse or pony is used in riding lessons at the riding school. Most yards I approached wanted me to consent to Zoom being used for a MINIMUM of 4 hours a week for lessons, and furthermore, they wanted me to pay £55 for the privilege. So lets get this straight, an hours lesson is around £35 and that's a group lesson, say he is used for 8 half an hour private lessons, the riding school have then made a whopping £240 from using my horse for their lessons, and my £55 more than covers feed and bedding. Back when I got my first pony working livery was FREE and rightly so! As owners, a horse being used in the riding school comes with risk. Risk they may be injured while being ridden, that they may pick up bad habits when allowed to get away with certain behaviours whilst being ridden by novice riders. Their shoes (If they have any) will need changing more often should they be used for hacking and road work, tack will need cleaning and replacing more frequently. Why would you pay someone £55 a week for that? Of course, the other issue, if I put Zoom on working livery, he could well end up too exhausted to want to be ridden by me, and the 3 kids should he already be being ridden by others at the riding school!

I would love to have the funding to set up my own riding school, bring back cheap to keep, cheap to feed ponies, who are much more fun than big horses (especially when learning a fall from the big boys hurts!) Bring back riding for the masses!! Bringing back cheaper livery costs would encourage thousands back into riding and horse ownership. I'm sure I will get responses saying interest rates have increased, that the cost of loans/mortgages on the properties acting as livery/riding schools will have increased and they have to recoup it somewhere. Or that labour costs have increased, well show me a riding school that doesn't have a team of FREE workers who only ask for a free plod on a school pony at the end of the week, or a yard that doesn't completely rely on apprentices, and young workers to keep their costs down. Of course insurance is a big factor too, with people taking businesses to court for the smallest things, a place where there are half ton animals that can and at some point will injure someone, I understand that insurance prices will have increased, but the need for such a huge price leap still doesn't wash with me to be honest.

I find it incredibly sad that so many young people will never get the opportunity to find their love of horses, their passion for riding as I did. That so many people are now so priced out of horse ownership. As we have seen with the horse crisis as bad as it is, its the horses that suffer for the greed of others.

PND and Me..

Ok so this post is about something very personal, something I have mentioned before but I've never openly spoken about. I was in two minds as to whether I would ever write this post, but I was reading a post on Facebook earlier and the comments proved just how ignorant most people still are when it comes to Mental illness and that there is still a massive stigma attached to it. So here goes..

After I had my eldest son Samuel, I suffered with Post Natal Depression (PND). It started just a few weeks after Sam was born. At first I put it down to exhaustion, Sam had reflux and didn't sleep much at all. I also gave up breastfeeding at four weeks as Sam didn't take to it easily, the pain, the exhaustion, it all got too much. Looking back I think breastfeeding guilt was a big trigger of my depression. 

When people think about depression they think it just makes people a bit 'sad' but it is so much more than that. For me the first 'symptom' I had was anxiety. It started with not wanting to go out alone with Sam. I would get an overwhelming feeling that everyone was watching me, that people were judging me and my parenting. If Sam cried while in his pram I would panic if I couldn't get him out immediately. I remember walking to my Mums house, and he started crying a few minutes from her house, I ran sobbing down the road. It came to a point where I was terrified to leave the flat alone. If someone walked too closely to the pram while I was out I would panic. At first I thought it was normal, that all Mums were over protective over their babies. I couldn't have post natal depression, women with post natal depression didn't want their babies, they tried to hurt their babies, I would never do that to Sam.

My health visitor came to visit, and as they do with all new Mum's she got me to answer some questions, it was a test for PND. It came back that it was likely that I was suffering 'baby blues' that may or may not be down to PND. She booked me in at the sure start for a baby massage class, and said that talking to other Mums would help. I nodded and smiled, and said I was fine, and then never turned up for the class. Next time she came, I changed my answers to the questions, I told her what she wanted to hear.

By the time Sam was a few months old, the anxiety was getting worse I was even getting panic attacks when out with my husband Joe. I was irritable all the time, the slightest thing would set me off. Joe wanting to soothe Sam when he was crying was like torture. Hearing him scream and not being in my arms made me shake all over, it was like physical pain. It would send my body into panic, the logical part of me knew he was fine, that he was with his Daddy, but the logical part of me was buried underneath the 'other' part of me. I would try and prise him from Joes arms, screaming that I needed him back that he had to leave him alone. This understandably put a massive strain on our relationship. We had no alone time, even when Sam was asleep I would stay and watch him, I couldn't relax, my whole body was on edge all the time. 

Joe has always worked nights, and while he was only working 3 nights a week, those nights were like hell for me. I would sit in bed, listening for every sound, convinced someone was going to break into the flat, that someone would get to Sams room before I would so I would stay awake all night. When Sam cried I would panic, because him crying meant that I couldn't hear anything, if I couldn't hear someone coming in how could I protect him? So I would rock him and beg him to please stop, but he would pick up on the tension and my panic and cry louder. Those were some of the darkest moments, the times where my desperate need to keep us safe could so easily have hurt us both. I would put my hand over his mouth and scream for him to just shut up. Even now, just typing those words is so hard. It makes me feel like such a failure as a parent, that I probably scared my son so much. I never wanted to hurt him, in my mind it was life or death, that other part of me was like an alarm in my head, screaming at me to shut him up before 'they' heard us. I still don't know who 'they' were, or why I was so scared.

Joe, during a row one day told me I needed to get help, that I needed to snap out of it. Even being so close to me and seeing how much my own mind was tearing me apart he still didn't understand why I couldn't just turn it off, be normal again. It's something many people don't understand, and I don't think until you have been through it you really know how it feels. He asked me to see a Doctor, but I refused, I didn't want to see a Doctor, if anyone knew what I'd done, how I felt, they'd take Sam away, I'd never see him again. Sounds ridiculous now but I was so sure he'd be taken into care. 

It wasn't until weeks later, when Joe refused to give me Sam back, that I saw in his face how worried he was about what I'd do, that I realised just how bad things had gotten. I cried, I started to think that the only way to make things right were just to leave Sam with his Dad. That everyone would be better off if I was gone, really GONE. I told Joe about my intentions, that it would be better afterwards, that he was better off without me. He told me he loved me, I cried, he told me he needed me, that Sam needed me. I agreed to go to the Doctors. I didn't think it would make a difference, my mind was made up, I would go, they would tell me what I already knew that they would take Sam away, Joe would see that I was right, and then I'd do IT and Sam could be happy with his Daddy. But the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't bare to be without Sam. I knew the only way would be for him to come with me. We'd be safe then, we'd be together. But I could never hurt him. It was then I realised, I needed help.

The day of my GP appointment arrived, as soon as I sat down I could hear Sam screaming in the waiting room, it sent me into blind panic, other than to use the bathroom that was the first time he had been in a different room to me where I couldn't just go back to him. My GP saw how uncomfortable I was and let me go and get him. He was amazing, he reassured me no one was going to take my baby away, that I wasn't well, but most importantly I wasn't going crazy. It wasn't how it was supposed to go. Why wasn't he prising Sam away from me? Why was he so calm. My husband came in with us, together we made new plans.

I started on anti-depressants, I made sure I wasn't alone with Sam for long periods and not long after that Sam started going to my Mum's or my Mother in laws one afternoon a week so I could spend quality time with Joe, we finally talked together for the first time in so long. I was still on edge the whole time I was away from Sam, but I had support, I could finally start to get back to being the person I was. We bought a dog, many of you know our pooch Taz. He gave me company during the long nights with my husband at work. He made me feel safe, even if I couldn't hear an intruder he would, he would save us.

Recovering from depression is a tough road, I had PND again after both my daughter and youngest son were born. Nowhere near as bad as after Sam, but then I knew the signs, and so did Joe and I wasn't afraid to get help.

Even now, I'm still not free of depression and anxiety. I have days where I don't want to talk to anyone, that I want to shut myself in a room and never come out. People think I don't like them, but often if I'm having a bad day I don't like myself either so don't take it personally. I have nights even now that the anxiety is so bad I just want to scream, I still panic when the kids cry at night if I'm home alone, but I have never been back to the darkest days. 
I still have days where I convince myself no one likes me, I feel offended by things for no good reason, I snap at people when I don't mean too. I binge on chocolate, I cry for no reason. I will never be the person I was before PND.

Writing this post has been so hard. It's taken a long time to put into words how I felt, and still feel. But if one person suffering reads this, and gets help, or if one person reads this and no longer judges people with mental health issues, then the pain of reliving my own personal nightmare will have been worth it.

I want to thank my amazing husband, without whom, I wouldn't have made it. For being there when no one else was, for putting up with so much, for living through it with me. For never judging me. 

He did it!

This blog post comes to you from a very happy, and well rested Mummy! For the first time in over 2 years we managed a full night with no children in our bed!

Sam and Sky had gone for a sleep over at Grandma's giving us a rare night with only 1 small person to contend with. Loki loves having some time where he gets Mummy and Daddy all to himself, he could play on the trampoline with no big brother and sister knocking him over and jumping on him, and watch whatever he wanted on the telly. 

Then it was bed time, he fell asleep cuddled up to Daddy on the sofa and went up to bed around 7pm. We made ourselves some tea, watched some TV and were enjoying our child free evening when he woke up again at only 9pm. Evening over. Daddy spent the next hour trying to get him to go back off, only for him to wake up every time he tried to put him down, so Mummy's turn.

We cuddled up in Loki's bed (cot bed=squished Mummy with neck in ridiculous position) 45 minutes of snuggling, stroking his face and rubbing his back later, and he finally gave in! So at 10:45 we went to bed. Loki has never slept in his own bed for more than 4 hours so we were expecting a wake up call around 2:30. But it never came. I woke with bleary eyes and picked up my phone and was amazed to see the time..4:15am and the house was still silent. No crying, no toddler crawling up the stairs. Silence. Worried I went to the boys room, and there was Loki, still sound asleep in his own bed. I crept back upstairs. I woke again at 6am. Loki still asleep. I couldnt sleep after that and ended up reading my book until he came up to our bedroom at 7am..yes 7am!!

Finally Loki has slept through the night! Now we just have to hope (pray) it wasn't a 1 off...

I'm back!

Well hello there!

I suppose I should start by apologising for my ridiculously long blogging break.. Truth is life has been a bit hectic lately and finding time to sit down and write a blog post has been pretty impossible!

Firstly, there's life as a family of 5. Having 3 little ones running round the house has been hectic to say the least! Never a dull moment round here, be it Sam refusing to get off his tablet (best Christmas present ever apparently..) Sky deciding to go down the stairs on Sams old ride on Winnie the Pooh (don't ask) or Loki emptying entire boxes of Lego onto the floor every time I attempt to leave the room for a moment (you know to have a wee or put the kettle on). Hard to believe that Sam is now 6! Sky is 3, has just started nursery 2.5 days a week, and Loki has just turned 2! Where does the time go?

Then as if we didn't have enough going on, we bought a pony. (Madness I know) Please welcome to the Young clan.. Zoom!

Zoom joined us last February, Sam had started riding lessons, and I had gone back to lessons again to start my British Horse Society exams, and so we decided that actually it worked out cheaper to buy a pony that we could both ride, and I now teach Sam (and Sky, and Loki!) myself, and Zoom costs us much less than riding lessons!

At the end of last summer, after many months of job searching and having no luck in finding anything that would work around the family, I started my own business as a freelance groom. I have lots of lovely customers who pay me to look after their horses while they're at work, or on holiday. I am loving every minute of it! It doesn't feel like work as I enjoy every second! I feel incredibly lucky that my lovely husband Joe has been so supportive, even when holiday cover has meant me working a 7 day week! He is always there to look after our little people if I need to drop everything to help a client, and without him the business would never have been possible!

While we are welcoming new members to the clan, we also had to say goodbye to a few too. My Uncle Gordon, who had suffered from MS for many years, sadly passed away in June last year, after a short battle with lung cancer. The MS meant that he couldn't undergo life saving treatment. I have been fundraising for the MS Society in his memory ever since. (you can donate here- www.justgiving.com/Lacey-Young3 ) I was hoping to run this years London Marathon, however due to a knee injury and a chest infection my Doctor advised that I defer, and so I will now be running London Marathon 2017!

We also had to say goodbye to our little staffy Lola. Unfortunately just after Christmas she attacked our other dog Taz. It was completely out of character as they've always got along, so we put it down to maybe her coming into season or feeling a bit under the weather and carried on as normal, just keeping an extra eye on her. But a few days later she did the same thing again. Taz was nowhere near her at the time he was sat in the kitchen watching me cook and she flew at him. When I got her away she then went for me as well. So we took her to the vets, who thought that she could possibly have had a brain tumour, or other neurological condition as when she turned it was literally like flipping a switch, she went with no warning and would be back to her normal self seconds later. We made the difficult decision to have Lola put to sleep. One of the hardest decisions we have ever had to make, but I feel it was the right decision and hope she is happy playing over rainbow bridge.

So.. its been a year of up's and downs. 

Hoping to keep you all more up to date from here on out!