Drowning..

So, after convincing myself I was finally coping, finally doing better, last week has left me feeling the complete opposite.

Picked the kids up as usual on Wednesday, and for some reason, I was so irritable, not even sure why. It was a relief to get them to bed, even though I hadn't seen them for two days.. Thursday I was hoping to feel better, but I found myself snapping at the smallest things, so in the end, I gave them all some snacks, put on a DVD and went to hide in the kitchen.. As it happens that turned out to be a disaster in itself, as no more than ten minutes later, I re-appear to find Sky and Loki had got hold of the Vaseline, and some colouring pencils from the drawer. You can imagine what comes next.. Faces covered, hair covered, and my coffee table completely coloured in.
All cleaned up, tea made, kids bathed, and into bed, and I hit the sofa for some chill out time and some TV, but even then I found myself just not feeling right. This leads me to bad decision number two of the week.. Wine. After a couple glasses, I took myself to bed, and actually slept really well. Why is that a problem? I hear you say.. Well next day still feeling awful, despite much sleep and rest, luckily with Sam at school, only Sky and Loki to contend with, but even so, by mid afternoon I'm feeling exhausted all over again. No idea why after my nights sleep. Drag myself through the rest of the day, surviving on caffeine and using the TV as a babysitter, and finally it's bedtime.
Well I thought, since wine seemed to work so well last night.. I poured myself another glass (see where this is going) except it didn't really have the same effect on a not so sleep deprived me, and so two glasses later, I find myself a crying heap on the kitchen floor. Not even the dogs wanted to console me. Apparently alcohol and depression.. not a good mix (OK so I knew that already but apparently I'm not a fast learner)

It used to be the loneliness that got me.. the being alone. It used to be worse when the kids weren't here, when nothing filled my time, but lately it's been the opposite. I find myself getting so stressed over silly things, getting completely snowed under by silly tasks like keeping up with the washing, or the dishes. When the kids aren't here, I am coping better at being on my own, I am finding little things to do like walking the dogs, swimming, going to the library, spending time with friends when I can, and generally I don't cope that badly. However, when I take a step back, I realised that actually, I spend my child free time dumping all responsibilities, dumping all the jobs I could be getting caught up with, that might help when the kids come home, and just leaving everything until I absolutely have to do it. I've gone from desperate for something to fill the time, to just wanting to sit down, and sleep.

I desperately need more motivation, my house is slowly being piled up with a mixture of clean clothes I haven't put away, and dirty clothes I've yet to wash. I want to do something fun with the kids, but have absolutely zero motivation to actually do any of it. I debate taking them out and going somewhere, but then the idea of three kids alone petrifies me and I once again resort to 'Let's watch movies' No wonder they don't want to sit through them anymore.

I have no idea why I have felt so low this past week. I haven't really spoken to anyone about it either, as I prefer people to think that I am doing better, and that they don't need to worry. I had a fairly good couple days when they went to their Dad's this week, kept myself busy doing stuff with friends, which was nice. Felt much better picking them up this week, but still there's a lingering irritation in my head somewhere I can't put my finger on. I've tried sitting down and thinking about what is bothering me so much, but I just don't know.

Evenings when the kids are here, I sort of feel trapped I guess, like I can't leave the house, but I don't feel I can ask friends round as then I'm stopping them going out and doing something more fun. There's only so much TV you can watch, and I'm feeling too mentally drained to do much else..

Anyway maybe I should stop wallowing in self pity and just force myself to do SOMETHING. Hopefully next weeks post will be more cheery...